Sharing is who we are as human beings. We need to feel connected and seen and sharing helps us feel this way. While it gets hard to share because of fear, it is important to learn on what sharing is so as not to find ourselves crossing the line to over-sharing which can be detrimental. We all have experienced over-sharing and its effects and probably swore never to let people in after we did not get the response we anticipated. Whether or not it was intentional, I felt that it would be important to look into some factors that can ensure that we neither share too much nor stay closed off and build walls around ourselves. Here is to us finding balance.
Intuition
In the words of H.E.R “Intuition can see through illusive intent. Listen to it.”
Intuition means being in touch with yourself, reasoning consciously and going with your gut. Most of the time when we over share we are not concerned about how we feel and if we are aware, we pay no mind to our intuition. There’s always that internal conflict that you will feel and you will note that there is something else you are going through. Sometimes it will be so hard to cope and it will feel easier if we just burden someone else with it.
While dealing with how to properly respond to vulnerability, it is important to link it to the need to over share. If we do not want to feel vulnerable and deal with what we are feeling, we will adopt several shields and some people use over sharing to cope.
Factors to consider
The relationship
What is the nature of the relationship you have with the people you are sharing with? Are you close? Do they need to know? Are they ready to take it?
This is important because not everyone will be able to handle your vulnerability. I will demonstrate this with two examples below
A. Person G makes a friend and one week in, she has shared everything about herself with them including the dark sides. This is before she has established trust. The new friend becomes overwhelmed and takes a step back. She may have done this innocently as a way to get it off your chest. However, chances are that if she is telling someone who is just getting to know her everything there is to know about her, then the goal was to test the tolerance of the new friend. To test whether they will stay knowing the ‘real’ person she is, flaws and all. In this case, she has not considered the nature and the stage the relationship is in.
B. Person F has been feeling vulnerable (fearful, anxious, judged, ashamed, isolated) and he feels that he has no one to share it with. He feels disconnected and is in need of attention. He has probably numbed it and since it will definitely show up in other areas after being suppressed, he decides to post in anger what he is going through on social media in the heat of the moment. He did not even phrase it right and it comes off as an over share. Trolls attack him while at his lowest or he probably doesn’t get the responses he expected and it makes him feel even lower.
In these two instances, there was a disconnect and both of these people did not pay mind to the nature of the relationship they had with those they were sharing it with. They also were not present to note that it was not the right way to go at it.
It is important to remember that we cannot use our vulnerability to discharge our discomfort. Yes, vulnerability is such an uncertain state and sometimes we don’t know how to deal with it. We have been taught it is a sign of weakness and that it opens us up to attacks. We also wear these masks everywhere we go and sometimes they come off and we do not know how to deal with it. I recently did a post on vulnerability and shared some of the ways to respond to it positively.
So here are a few questions that I now ask myself to help me know whether I am sharing (very healthy) or crossing over to over sharing.
1. Is there trust?
2. What relationship do I have with the person I want to share this with?
3. Is it worth sharing?
4. How am I feeling as I type this out? (applicable to social media posts)
5. Can I ask for help from this person?
6. Is there mutual empathy?
7. What outcome do I expect?
8. How will I react to the outcome? Will it bring me peace or make me feel worse?
9. How will I feel having this information out there?
10. What if I do not get the response that I expected? How will I feel?
These questions have helped me stay on course and although sometimes I am out of touch with myself, I have found them very helpful in bringing me back to a more centred space.
If the temptation to over share makes you lose sight of all there is to consider then you can uninstall the applications that you feel might make you feel the urge to share and instead find someone who you can share this with in person. Someone who will be more trusting and capable of hearing you out and helping or referring you to a professional.
I also believe that the word sharing comes from a place of love and not merely passing information which is generally reporting. This should help us differentiate sharing from over sharing. If it is not bringing love and positive vibes then it should not be shared. I imagine that sharing comes from a place of healing as well just as it is said that sharing is caring.
Having this in mind I am sure we will be careful with how we share and check more with ourselves.
Feel free to let me know what tips you use to make sure that you are sharing and not over-sharing.
Love,
Sabali
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