We are constantly listening to others and ourselves so it makes sense that we work on being great listeners. This can be achieved by exploring active listening which is a great skill when it comes to getting information and understanding others.
Active listening involves listening with all senses and it goes a step further from just listening to the words but being conscious of the complete message being communicated and this is where we are required to be present and attentive to break and non-verbal cues.
Active listening is a skill
We know at least one person who is not good at it. It could be that we are among those people and we don’t even know it.
I believe that we have more control over our environment when it comes to face to face interactions than we do over the phone. Some messages are best communicated in person so that nothing is missed.
In this post, I will take a look at where we go wrong and how we can get better at active listening which will help us make and maintain meaningful connections with those around us.
Where we go wrong
Our minds are not still
We have so much going on in our mind at all times and it is no surprise that listening becomes a huge task. We are thinking of tasks we could be completing that very moment, we are stressed about bills that are due, deadlines and we have so many anxious thoughts. This makes it so hard for us to note the cues we are getting from the person talking to us.
Sometimes we are not in a place where we can receive and it is respectful for us to let the person trying to share know.
Distractions
Get rid of all distractions. This includes all your devices especially your phones. There should be no movement and noise that could distract us when we are trying to actively listen. This is obvious because, with distractions, we are likely to miss on the message communicated through non-verbal cues and on the information being shared.
Giving our own experience
It might come from a good place and you are trying to show the person sharing that you can relate to it but I feel that this would turn some people off into feeling that what they feel is invalid. We can use tact when it comes to giving our experience and maybe hear the other person out fully before we interject with our own experience.
Pitying someone
“Poor girl” "How do you even do it?" and statements along this line are not helpful when someone is trying to share their experience with you. This might actually make them feel lower than they were, to begin with.
Preparing a response before they finish
I used to do this a lot in the past. When people are sharing, most of the times they just want to be heard. They want you to hold space for them. When we are trying to come up with solutions to respond with, our attention is divided and we end up missing out on the conversation.
Here are some ways we can get better at actively listening:
Mind your body language and tone
Let it be receptive.
We could do this by maintaining eye contact, nodding our head, smiling, mirroring the emotions of the person sharing (if they are concerned we could also show concern), agreeing and responding in moderation.
Small things like how your body is positioned, how we speak and facing each other will make a huge difference and actually encourage a healthy exchange.
Pay attention to the other person's body language
Their body language is as important as yours in a conversation. It will help you really get what they are going through and determine your response. Are their shoulders tensed, are their fists clenched or are they pacing around the room. All these will help you know how to respond and help them calm down if the cues call for it.
Scheduling important conversations
This should be at a time convenient to both parties. Preferably when both of you are not busy or too tired. It should also not be immediately someone walks in or without checking if they are in the right mood to receive what you want to say. I believe that people need time to get settled before we start any conversation.
Scheduling also includes finding a quiet space where all parties are comfortable.
Be mentally prepared to receive
If we want to maintain our meaningful connections then we have to be ready to receive when they are sharing and vice-versa. We should also be honest as to whether we are in a place we could receive. We could have had a stressful day and if we are not in tune with ourselves, we might find ourselves taking on more than we can handle which can lead to resentment. We have to be honest with our partners and let them know what state we are in. This should be communicated clearly and calmly.
Exercise empathy
We might not agree with everything said but empathy is key.
We might not even understand what they are going through but this s not the time to bring that up. Active listening involves us being open to receiving and exercising empathy. Hear them out first. Let the other person know that you heard them and understand where they are coming from but this does not mean you have to take their side at all times. There’s a way to communicate that you heard them but you are of a different opinion. Tact is everything. The words we use, the tone and the vibes our bodies give off count so we have to be aware and in control of ourselves in such instances.
Let them speak fully
Let them say what they have to say and fight the urge to interject. We can do it by nodding or make short interjections just to show we are listening and understanding what is being said appropriately. You might not have a response once they are done and that is okay. If they need your input on it and request for it, then we can let them know what we will think about it and get back to them.
Here is to doing the work to get better at active listening!
Love, Sabali
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