Happy new month family! I am welcoming February with great expectation. As we keep doing the work in February, I hope that we all take some time to reflect on how our year has started off and what steps we have made to stay on course.
Let's get to today's post which is one of those that is uncomfortable because the truth about how we take advantage of others is never comfortable.
The victim mentality is a state of learned helplessness where we find ourselves blaming people and outside forces for our unhappiness.
When we are struggling with the victim mentality, life is always happening to us and we have very little say in what is going on around us.
This belief results in constant blame, finger-pointing, and pity parties that are fuelled by pessimism, fear, and anger. It is closely linked to the scarcity mindset where we believe we are always lacking and nothing can change for us.
It can also be the final stage after we care for others at our expense, we end up being resentful then become victims. This is especially the case for codependents who went through states of being victims through abuse, neglect, abandonment and alcoholism and began to view themselves as victims. Most codependents take on the role of caretakers and rescuers and it drives them to resentment because they take little or no time to focus on what they actually want or need to do.
Why do codependent individuals rescue?
We rescue people because we don't feel good about ourselves. If you struggle with rescuing others all the time, then chances are you don't feel good about yourself physically, mentally and emotionally. It makes sense that this would happen because you barely have time to do things that count for you. You may find yourself feeling exhausted and stressed a lot which makes it harder to focus on doing the things that make you feel good about yourself. Neglect of self shows how we view ourselves.
We rescue to feel needed. Life may be happening to us but instead of figuring it out, our need to feel important and wanted in other people's lives takes priority. People who struggle with the need to be needed usually worry a lot about how other people perceive them and want to do all they can to please others.
Sometimes we rescue because we don't believe others can do it themselves. People who love to rescue see others as helpless and incapable. It could be something within their control but we won't let them figure it out for themselves. Deep down, this is an indication that they do not see strength and capabilities in others.
They always set out to solve a problem for others without giving them the chance to do so themselves because they do not see the strength in others.
They don't want others to do the work they need to. People who are caretakers feel uncomfortable seeing others struggle. In their mind, it is up to them to alleviate pain from others. It comes from the need to feel wanted.
Where it comes from
The victim mentality is an acquired personality trait, meaning that it is the result of early life conditioning and coping mechanisms from emotional neglect, emotionally abuse, physical abuse and neglect.
It could be that we grew up in violent homes where there was verbal and physical abuse between parents or towards the child.
It could also be learned if you lacked needed attention because you either grew up in a big family where there were too many of you to get your personal needs met or if you had absent parents through a divorce or they may have been busy with work and hardly ever around.
I also believe it could be a trait you copied from a codependent parent who only got what they wanted when they played the victim and so it was learned that that is how one should act to get their needs met.
How it shows up- The signs Being overly open and vulnerable. They enjoy sharing tragic stories with other people especially those they do not have much connection with. It could be a new friend, colleague at work or even a stranger.
Life is beyond their control. They possess a “life is against me” and everyone is “better off” philosophy.
They see their problems as catastrophes and blow them out of proportion.
They keep reliving past painful memories that made them feel like a victim.
They need others to notice and help them a lot. They thrive on pity.
They are always overwhelmed or depleted.
They often feel alone and rejected even when people reach out to them.
Even when they are having a good time they find something to complain about or are waiting for the bad to happen.
They justify staying stuck.
They avoid and discount solutions. They refuse to consider other perspectives and feel attacked when offered constructive criticism.
They are very self-absorbed and might stay away from friends and family.
They may engage in self-destructive behaviour to get a favour or attention.
They expect people to act in a certain way. Others should know when they are struggling with something.
They manipulate others into doing things their way.
They have little sense of self and put themselves down a lot.
They have poor communication skills.
They escape responsibility. It is never their fault.
In relationships
1. They expect or seek out fights in relationships.
People who play the victim role anticipate arguments and will even go to the extent of creating problems. They may push people to hurt them.
2. They speak and reason in absolutes.
There’s no in-between for them. They are likely to say things like all men are liars and all women are unreliable.
Why it is so hard to quit
They have got their needs met as a result of acting a victim
It can be self-soothing
It acts as an escape from owning up
They get used to getting attention
Other people are less likely to criticize or upset you even with the truth because of how fragile you paint yourself to be
They get the “right” to complain
Tips to help you move past the victim mentality
1. It was learned and can be unlearned It is a mindset, it could have been a coping mechanism but it is not helping you live your best life. Through taking a look at your current beliefs about yourself, you can see what areas need work so that you can be more in control.
2. Distinguish your feelings from facts
After being in a state of learned helplessness for a long period of time, the line between facts and feelings gets blurred. Through being more self- aware, we can work on distinguishing what is actually factual and balance emotion with logic.
3. Be kind and compassionate to yourself
Once you realize you have been operating under the victim mentality, you may experience feelings of shame, anxiety, fear and disappointment in self. It is important to take a day at a time and allow yourself to slowly work on taking charge of your life.
4. Seek help
You may need help from a professional because it can be a lot to undo the only way you have learned to cope. It may be important to have a neutral party to help you see where the behaviour of helplessness came from and give you the tools to work on getting better.
5. Staying open to positive criticism and accountability
As we move from being victims to thriving, we have to accept that we do not know it well and when people see us getting back to our unhealthy ways and correct us, we ought to see that they believe that we are capable of change and want the best for us.
We also have to own up to the times we have hurt others by manipulating them and passing blame to them.
6. Keep busy-your mind and thoughts will quiet
People who operate under the victim mentality feel stuck so it is very helpful that they occupy themselves with learning or carrying out tasks that will help them get out of their self-sabotaging thoughts and also show them that they are capable of growing and changing.
Dealing with someone with the victim mentality
-Be patient and kind with them- By offering positive criticism in a tactful way.
-Know your limits- Be careful not to get too sucked in because it might make it worse and they might start a fight with you. It is important to note that they need to put in work as well.
-Don't agree with everything they say. Instead, encourage them to know they can control some things like their thoughts and how they act.