Of what good is blame?
A lot of us use blame as a way to escape owning up to our words and actions. It is easier to pass judgement to the next person before we evaluate our own role in the situation.
This whole idea comes from the need for us to be right at all times. Perfection was taught to us early. As children, it was easy for us to pass the blame on to others because the consequences would be us getting punished for it. It was also easy because we saw our guardians pass the blame for each other and rarely ever saw anyone taking responsibility for their actions. As we grow up, one of the effects of passing on blame is that we not only punish ourselves but even those around us.
Passing blame hurts both the one passing blame and the one receiving blame.
The one passing blame
The one passing blame misses out on lessons they would have learnt if they were accountable for their actions and they are likely to repeat it again in future interactions. This means they have missed on an opportunity to grow. Lastly, one who passes blame misses out on making meaningful connections in two big ways; they are too busy trying to be right and correct at all times which means they quickly judge others and have no empathy and secondly, they don't grow meaning the connections they make are not healthy and meaningful.
The one receiving blame
I will use a relationship scenario to explain this. If you are constantly blaming your partner then chances are they will feel overwhelmed by judgement.
They will also refrain from correcting you because you are always on the offensive.
It will lead to mistrust because communication in that relationship has been ruined.
It also brings a lot of shame and lowers the self-esteem of your partner.
No one wins in the game of blame and so it makes sense that we work on doing better.
Noteworthy
The first thing I feel we can do to change this is to realize that no one expects us to be perfect all day every day and if they do, they should know not to. The idea of right and wrong forces us to believe that if we are at fault we are bad and deserve punishment. Yes, owning up can be very uncomfortable because it means that now we are responsible for not only acknowledging we were wrong and asking for forgiveness but that we also have to work on our flaws to make sure there is no repeat of that in the future. It takes a lot of unlearning to change traits we were taught to develop or have built to cope but it is so necessary.
Why all the resistance?
Why is it that when people genuinely point out areas we need to work on, we feel so much resistance?
Most of the times we have not fully accepted ourselves. We have not acknowledged that we are not good at communicating, we are not patient, we are not good listeners, we are forgetful and that we have misplaced priorities.
Sometimes we pass blame even when we do not mean too. Imagine that! Let me give this example. You get into an argument with your s/o and you blurt out "You never understand me!" or "You always forget to clear the table" Compare this to "I felt misunderstood and frustrated by what you said last night. I felt misunderstood" and "I feel overwhelmed when I always have to clear the table when you forget to"
The first two statements say that this person never gets you and never listens. It doesn't even focus on how it made you feel at all. The two statements just magnify the undone act. You simply passed blame. Maybe the person really did not understand what you said or has forgotten one too many times but that doesn't take away from the fact that you have already placed blame and what will likely follow is resentment and hurt. The second pair of statements explain how you felt which is what is important and more likely to be remembered because if someone cares for you, they know not to make you feel bad after you have communicated it.
That is how critical framing our statements is.
Most of the time we are quick to speak, quick to stay defensive and emotional and we use our words as swords and not tools.
Another thing that I have noted with blame is that we blame people who are closest to us and these people usually want the best for us. Their intentions are pure. We are quick to apologize when our employers note that we have done something wrong (even when we do not see it) but when it comes to our friends and our partners we assume this need to be without fault.
Those with good intentions just want to see us be the best version of ourselves and work on the parts of us that need. It is only fair for us not to place judgement and shame on them and miss out on a learning opportunity.
Blame is simply passing on discomfort.
Baby steps
Communication
I feel that instead of placing emphasis on blaming each other, we can learn how to communicate our needs. This helps the other party know what you expect them to do and also listening to their needs and coming up with a system that works for both of you. That way, when one of you fails, the other reminds them (with compassion).
We can communicate where we learnt to play the blame game and discuss some of the harmful effects it brings so that we are more aware in future.
We can let those around us know that taking responsibility makes us feel vulnerable and open.
We can make sure that we are thoughtful and considerate when we need to communicate that the other person needs to take accountability.
We can be gentle when pointing out flaws because honesty is only practical if it communicated in a humane way.
We can be kind to each other because it takes time to work through any change. Show compassion even when it is hard to do.
It takes a lot of acceptance to take responsibility for our words and actions. It takes strength to be accountable.
May we work on these skills and do away with the blame game.
Love,
Sabali