This was one of my first reads in 2019 and it was such a great read that I felt I should do a review. I know I am a bit late to the party but better late than never, right? The book is by Don Miguel Ruiz who is a known author and I love the fact that he made the first chapter very relatable making me fall in love with the book from the start. The book seeks to empower us to move from the hundreds of limiting agreements we have bought into overtime and replace them with four agreements that will help us lead better lives.
The first chapter is on domestication which is the first process we go through as children. At this stage, we are under the care of our parents and we generally learn from them. We move from parental care to the school system where further domestication continues and we are taught different belief systems there as well. During this stage, we are taught to abide by the reward-punishment system which classifies all our actions under good and bad. If we do good, we are rewarded and if we do bad we are punished.
The author goes to explain how this reward system makes us make an agreement with ourselves to only be deemed worthy once we do that which is said to be good. We strive to do good because we know it comes with a reward and we are scared of the punishment that will come if we fail to do good. Being human, we fail and devalue ourselves, view ourselves as failures, think negatively about ourselves and it spreads even to how we act and react. We believe that we are unworthy when we fail because we have made an agreement to always be perfect. As we grow older we do not need someone to reinforce the reward-punishment system and it becomes a part of us. We grow into people who make so many limiting agreements based on our circumstances and what people say about us.
This book was so important and I hope that by reading through this review you get a chance to read it and come to an understanding of how powerful these four agreements are.
Here we go!
First Agreement
Be impeccable with your word
This first agreement gives rise to the other three agreements we will discuss later on in this review.
My key takes from this chapter was that being impeccable with your word means involves staying stay true to ourselves and others. Most of us fall short especially when it comes to telling ourselves the truth. We do not want to acknowledge that we are slipping into darkness, that we are overworking or that we need help. Somehow we want to do it all even at the expense of our own sanity. We are not truthful to those around us about how we are feeling about what they should be doing because we do not want to push them away with our truth.
The author emphasizes that words are a force and we decide how we will use them. Words can build or destroy us and this is so true. We often find ourselves in bondage because of words and I think this chapter made me realize how much weight my words have. The words I speak over my life are very closely linked with how things play out. What I took from this is that I have to be careful with my words and how I use them especially when it comes to things that are close to my heart such as health, love, peace and life.
Words can free or enslave you!
Being impeccable with your word will give you immunity from anyone putting a negative spell on you. This is because you know you are worthy, you use your words for good and you stay true to your word. We all have heard that our word is our bond and I feel that this would be a perfect addition to the message the author is sharing with us in this chapter.
Second Agreement
Don’t take anything personally
“What other people say or do is a projection of their own dream”
Sometimes we are phased by what people say or do because a part of us agrees with whatever was said. Just take a look at the last time someone said something that did not sit right with you and ask yourself whether you have ever thought of it yourself. Then why does it hurt more when someone else says it. This is how this agreement is linked to the first agreement on being impeccable with your word. If you were true to yourself, then you would know you are worthy and you are valuable. This would mean that anyone who thinks different is in their own world and that has nothing to do with you.
When we take things personally, we feel offended, and the reaction from us is to defend our beliefs and create conflict. If we were to be strong enough to remind ourselves that what other people say or do has nothing to do with us then we are doing ourselves a huge favor and saving ourselves from stress and pain.
People who hurt us are showing us their own hurt, their own shortcomings. They probably do not know how to express it but that is on them. They ought to figure out how to heal and ask for help. Do not carry their burden by taking their opinions about you as your load to carry. They don’t have the depth to understand you because they do not know you and have never lived a day as you to understand.
I feel this is so closely related to minding your own business because when you do, you don't really care for what people have to say about you. That's their choice to focus on your business.
Third Agreement
Don't make assumptions
If you are someone who overthinks then you will relate to this heavy!
We make too many assumptions. Just think about it. How many assumptions have you made today? Don’t say it out loud…maybe you should though and if you think you haven’t made any assumptions, then I hope you go through the list below and confidently state that you really have not assumed anything today.
We assume that people should know how to treat us. We assume we are not worthy because we were not promoted. We assume everyone is out to get us after our trust is broken We assume we are not good enough when we do not get the recognition we feel we deserve. You don’t get the promotion at work, so you assume you aren’t good at your job.
You are not alone on this. Before I knew how bad assumptions were for me, I would talk myself into misery fast! It was easier than asking (I later found out this was false..another assumption right there) in my opinion because I did not want to come off as insecure and needy.
I wanted people to read my mind (sometimes I fall back into this trap). I want to believe everyone was raised as I was. I make assumptions about myself; my strengths and weaknesses. I assume that people know how to act. These assumptions would make me mad.
I finally realized that not only was I making a choice to stay negative and stuck by assuming but I was also limiting m creativity in the process. It takes so much more energy to make assumptions because one assumption leads to another and you think of all the times you may have missed the signs and create all these patterns in your head. It is exhausting really. Another thing about assumptions specifically in relation to wanting people to read your mind is that it is stressful. You end up giving off negative vibes through your non-verbal cues and it can get messy.
I know now that making assumptions limits me from making meaningful connections with the people around me because I decided that I knew what they were thinking.
The author points out that the problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth. We make assumptions about what others are doing or thinking — we take it personally — then we blame them and react by sending emotional poison with our word.
This chapter encourages communication and asking when we are unclear. Asking is way easier than making up all these things in our head.
A huge gem I got from this chapter was that all the sadness and drama you have lived in your life was rooted in making assumptions and taking things personally. The two traits are closely linked because we make assumptions and end up taking things personally all while living in our heads.
Fourth Agreement
Do your best
"Doing your best is a great habit to have... The first three agreements will only work if you do your best."
Under any circumstance, we ought to do our best and understanding that that will change from one moment to the next. On some days your best will be a huge high and not so much on your low days. This does not mean that we did not do our best under the circumstances we had to work under. We have to be okay with having not so good days as well. What is important is that you showed up and you did your best.
Doing your best means getting rid of fear. Fear of not being enough is not an option if you have genuinely done your best.
Another great thing to point out that doing your best does not have to mean being the best or being perfect.
Doing your best takes action. We can have many great ideas in your head, but what makes the difference is the action you take past the thought.
When you do your best you learn to accept yourself and also work on correcting your mistakes because you want the best for yourself.
Application of the four agreements
If we want to enjoy the benefits of these four principles mentioned in this book, then we need to figure out how to apply them in our daily lives.
Find one of the four agreements that you feel you have not really made with yourself and put in work to change that.
Chances are that as you improve on one it pours into the other three. If you do your best then you will know that the best thing for you is not to make assumptions, lie to yourself or others. You will know not to take things personally because you know who you are. You will ask because you know that it is better than staying stressed while you are a question away from an answer. While doing your best, you will also accept that you have made mistakes- you are human but that you can correct it and become the best version of yourself.
Steps to take
We have made so many bad agreements in the past and breaking them will take time and effort. Here are some of the ways that the author shares that we can explore to get to a point where we get rid of our limiting beliefs and replace them with these four agreements.
1. Being aware
This is the first step when it comes to change of any idea or trait. Acknowledging that you have conformed to so many limiting agreements is key. Being aware means us noting down the agreements we have made in the past and how these have shaped our thoughts, words and actions. Being aware also means that you are careful to check yourself whenever these limiting agreements show up in your thoughts and actions. We have lived all our lives believing in these limiting agreements and they will pop up from time to time so being aware helps us work on ourselves.
2. Transformation
This is where the work starts. You have to forgive all those that made you agree to agreements that did not benefit you. Whether that was a parent, teacher or society. There is no use in staying angry. Yes, you can be angry about all the wasted time and energy it cost you but make sure you do not stay angry as it will not serve you. These people were only doing what they themselves were taught. This means it is up to us to break that cycle and do better for those that come after us and part of that is not holding on to anger and hurt.
Transformation will take asking for help, being vulnerable, being careful with our words, catching ourselves before we take things personally and make assumptions, being okay even when our best is not as huge as we would have wanted it to be and being open to positive criticism when those around us point to us our limiting belief.
3. Intention
Now that you are aware of your limiting agreements and that you are working on changing things, you need to be intentional about it. We need to control our emotions, notice and acknowledge our improvements and forgive ourselves when we slip up (because it is a process and not a smooth one)
I hope you enjoyed this review. I will be doing more book reviews so watch out for that.
Here is to making the right agreements and breaking through from all the limiting agreements we made in the past!
Love,
Sabali
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