For clarity, I thought I would start off with a simple definition of the two terms in the title. Shame is a painful feeling of humiliation or distress while failure could simply be defined as the fact that something is not working or has stopped working as well as it should.
We grew up being taught that the end goal is success, this is good motivation but rarely were we taught that before we get there was a process involved that would involve a change in plan or strategy and how it would be important to embrace it and the lessons it comes with in order to grow which is a necessary step to success. We grew up knowing that failure was not an option. We had to come back home with good grades, we had to follow instructions and procedure or risk failing and being associated with failure. I have carried that need to always succeed which has made me avoid anything risky, it is until very recently that I had to unlearn it because it was making me self-sabotage.
I am not completely discrediting efforts that were put in place to keep us on our toes and to keep us focused on nothing but the goal but I have to admit that preaching success and not taking us through the process involved including growing through mistakes, led us to think and believe that anything not associated with success was to be avoided or viewed as a sign that we were to pursue success in other fields or quit altogether.
Interestingly, we are a people that speak a lot on no man being perfect yet this is the very thing we expect from others. Take for instance a celebrity makes a mistake, we would be so quick to point it out and shame them for not being perfect because we are all so perfect with how we lead our own lives, yes? It is the same double standard we put on others and sometimes ourselves. We believe that success should be this straight path that is so properly lit and tarmacked that getting off the course has to be that we are failures because how do you get off such a clear path?
We attach so much shame in failure. We talk ourselves out of dreaming big because we are so fearful that failure could be an eventuality and since we have put so much permanence in it, we cannot see ourselves living out our dreams. We owe it to ourselves and those that come after us to understand where we went wrong with our perception of failure and move towards acknowledging that sometimes we could hit a snag on our journey and sometimes we will have to reevaluate and move towards an attitude of persistence.
Why do we fear failure?
1. It has never been in our plans to fail
No one sets out to fail. Sometimes we may not plan enough but the eventuality is never that we fail. So the fact that failure may ruin our plans for success is a real bummer. Unless you are disciplined enough to view failure as something you can handle and not a sign that you should quit, you are more likely to shrink your dream to accommodate fewer instances of finding roadblocks on your path. I would like to believe that it is the uncertainty that comes with the future that makes us fearful of failure. Plans should be comprehensive and inclusive of various backup plans but this doesn’t mean that you will be able to foresee all potholes before you hit them. Some will be unexpected and once we realize that the journey is not smooth, then we can look for more positive ways to face these challenges that are labelled failure because society deems them as such.
2. Past experience
Experience is the best teacher. For people who love to use this, we can be so unforgiving when people are learning their lessons. We are harsh on ourselves for past failures. We let lessons feel like punitive measures to deter us from keeping on. Society has put a cap on how many times you should learn because that number is set in stone somewhere. Before we start pointing a finger at society, make sure that finger is placed on you because you are society. We make society exist. So ask yourself who told/taught you that you can only fail your exam twice before you quit, that you can only hit a snag four times before you decide to quit a project, that your limit on experiencing anything short of success is x number of times before you call it quits.
3. We love to feel safe/play safe
Yes, I went there! I am a victim as well. There is something about safety that makes us feel contented with what we have going for us at the moment. When you are playing safe, the chances of failing are close to none. So the question is, are you at the point in life where you are content being where you are? If you are 100% sure that you are good where you are, you do not need to change a thing about how things are going, then by all means stay and play safe.
This is for those who want to move and grow but feel that they are not ready to risk all they have going for them and end up at square 1. I am not advocating that people jump off cliffs and rush to do something without a plan. All I am saying is a small change in routine, could bring so much fulfilment and even a change in ways and approach to things. It might look like using a different route to work for you, or using a different editing software if you are an artist. For me, switching things up involves putting myself in a position where I have to challenge myself to explore what things can bring me satisfaction and growth as an individual and making other people hold me accountable when I don’t follow through because self-sabotage is real! Sometimes this fear of failure makes us shrink ourselves and even before we fail we have already talked ourselves out of a solid plan because failure might be something we come across in the process.
Playing safe could involve shrinking ourselves. Sometimes people are pushing us to do what we should be doing but we have already given ourselves 5 reasons why we should not pursue it. It is sad really that we feel inadequate and unworthy of all the good things that could come out of an experience.
Shrinking could look like passing off opportunities you are qualified for and feeling that someone else would be better suited to do it. You could also be giving yourself excuses and reasons why we shouldn’t go for it. You come up with different things that you could do instead of taking this present opportunity.
Why we shrink:
We don’t want to rattle others or we want to fit in or we have told ourselves we are inadequate which is false.
How to stop shrinking:
Be vocal about your mission and goals so that people can hold you accountable. These people in your corner are important because they see you at where you ought to be and not where you are.
4. The inadequacy and wrong associated with failure
The fear and shame that comes with failure will make us avoid taking any risks. We have not viewed falling as a way to learn and we have made it so that those who have fallen enough times feel that that is where they are destined to be. As children learning how to ride a bike was one of those very relatable experiences. The lesson did not end when we fell, which was a lot of times.
There was no cap put on the number of times that we could fall. The lesson would end when we were confident enough to ride the bike effortlessly and without aid. That would be considered a success. In the same way, falling in real life, however falling would look like for you, the lesson isn’t fully over. We have the chance to pick ourselves up, avoid a repeat of the same experience and make it a practice to view it as an opportunity to be better and do better which will result in success as long as you remember why you started.
A lot of unlearning will have to take place for us to change our views on the process of success. We will have to move from the place of viewing failure as a stop sign and see it as a pause sign. We will have to be more intentional with our thoughts and be careful to correct ourselves whenever we go back to that old archaic mentality that we have to be perfect and not associated with any form of failure. We need to be accountable and correct this type of thinking among our peers and if you are confident enough, correct those that gave you the flawed or incomplete framework of the process to achieve success.
To learning and unlearning.
Love,
Sabali
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