We've come a long way and we still have a long way to go. This post has been inspired by what I have experienced and seen in my environment. My aim was to express some of the things I believe will help us build strong and healthy African families. We all have a role to play and if we all do what is required of us we can make a change. We decide if we will spend our time and energy blaming the next person or pick up our slack. You and I decide.
Past conditioning
We need to get rid of the idea that we can cuddle our way out of oppression.
We were not cuddled into oppression, there were no off days in installing the program of oppression.
There were no chances taken to allow people to think and act in any other way other that did not promote oppression.
In the same way, getting out of oppression will take force and discomfort.
Sacrifice!
It will take discipline.
It will take letting go of the oppression we have tolerated, romanticised and believed to be our identity.
We will have to feel the pain of uprooting ourselves from what has got to feel so familiar over time. We'll have to challenge our belief systems.
We will have to question ourselves. What if we have been wrong? Where did we learn to treat each other as we do? Whose thoughts are these?
We will have to do it together. Yes, no more of this individual life. No more thinking we are better than the next person. Painful to even think about it, right?
We have to learn what family is and how important it is.
We will have to be shocked out of the idea of individuality.
We will have to give up certain privileges that we get as a tool to oppress each other.
We will have to dig deep into why we are broken.
We will have to sit down and listen for a change and not get distracted by our misinformed belief systems about love, family, generational continuity.
We will have to apologize for the hurt we had to pass on to those we love in the name of love.
We will have to give the children a voice.
We will have to uplift the status of the African family by being great examples so that those that come after us see the benefits of commitment. We are obligated to set an example.
This is not a post to say that I have the answers but the things I will look into will have us on the right path for sure. We have to start somewhere and most of the times, it starts with the individual. You and I can do the work.
We have to stop looking at the Western world to dictate nutrition, beauty, reproduction and the idea of love for us, especially as women.
What we have been doing has not worked for us. Mothers are raising our children by themselves, men are not being involved in their children's lives and it is not working. The children do not know how to relate to each other and make meaningful connections and it has to stop.
We are broken and are slowly turning cold. We are going against nature.
We are sick and we are hurting.
The patterns we have taken on are not ours and so while it may work for others, it is clearly not working for us.
The food
Processed food, processed sugars and salt are destroying our bodies and our minds. I will share some documentaries with you that will hopefully spark something in you - Genocide by Diet The C word Better brain health
Processed foods are those which have been stripped of enzymes and nutrients. They are loaded with flavoring and sugar which makes them highly addictive.
They sell them to us knowing they are not good for us. They have put processed sugar in all our packaged foods and labeled them as natural sugars, vitamins, and even corn syrup.
Sugar is not bad when it is in its natural state, in sugarcane as a liquid. The body easily recognizes this and is able to absorb and utilize it because it doesn't require water from other organs to convert it to liquid form. Anything converted from its natural state becomes a drug. The same way cocoa leaves are not harmful but cocaine is.
Processed sugar has been proven to be more addictive than drugs such as cocaine (see the documentary I shared on better brain health).
We have been turned away from going back to nature for our nourishment. Our food should be our medicine and our medicine should be our food. We are now taking more medicines than we have ever been and falling ill often because we are out of balance.
We are getting sick earlier in life and it is not right.
We are being held back by unnecessary weight we have to carry around which is detrimental to the organs that fight so hard to keep us going.
We have stressed the body and it is showing us signs that we are not well. The foods we are taking have ingredients that impact our mental health.
We are struggling with losing hair, having dental cavities, skin breakouts, gout, experiencing anxiety and other mental issues, obesity, high or low blood pressure, back problems, having heart conditions, anaemia, TB, ADHD, autism, high blood pressure, cancer, diabetes, reproductive related issues and this is not normal. Being born with these conditions, growing up with these conditions or getting diagnosed with these conditions in our 20s, 30s and 40s and even 50s is not normal.
History says we got off the path we are supposed to be on.
We have to take emotion out of it. Us having to deal with disease is not us being spiritually tested. This is not our faith being put to test. Our bodies are telling us that we are in a state of dis-ease and we need to work on it.
Why would our Creator bring us on here to struggle with our health? To die young, to live on medication and struggle with depression?
We are not in our natural state. Deep down we know it. We see it in how irrational we are. How quick to anger we get. The results we are getting point to show that we are unwell.
We, however, are not hopeless.
Gradually. you and I can take small steps to look back to nature for our survival. We can go to less processed foods and whole foods and make some adjustments.
We have to see the link between the preservatives, dyes and the ingredients in the foods that we cannot even pronounce and our health.
We have to turn to nature for relief.
Eat more from it so it can recognize us. We cannot be one with nature if it cannot recognize us. We cannot expect nature to work in our favour when we do not get energy from it.
It is through turning to nature that we heal our addiction to alcohol, gambling and become more in tune with our natural selves.
The role of the woman in healing her family
We cannot downplay the role of an African woman in providing the family with nutrition.
It is a God-given gift.
There is something about a home-cooked meal made with love from natural ingredients. This is why I strongly believe that as women, we can change this nutrition game for ourselves first and those around us are bound to benefit.
Taking control of what gets into our bodies and that of those we love is not a lesser job as they paint it to be.
This is a role we must take seriously. Our continuity depends on it. Beauty standards "They never told us that black was beautiful."- Chronixx
We struggle to keep up with all the trends and end up being heavy consumers. We spend on products without giving a second thought to what is in these products. We don't know who makes them and whether they care for us and our beautiful African skin. We become willing participants in experiments and our health is struggling as a result. Most of these big corporations don't have to go through all the requisite testing requirements to release their products. We know how corporate works and especially the big names in the industry. Look up how many cases have been filed against them for failing to consider the consumer. Our skin absorbs a lot of what we put on it and it's time we found out what is in these products. Yes, our favourite influencer has said that she has used it for three years but it doesn't hurt to know.
We damage our scalp, ruin our skin and who knows what all these products are doing to our internal organs. Who knows how much toxins the liver can handle? It's an uncomfortable topic, I know. I've been offended when someone asked me what was in a scent that I used to rub directly on my skin. Maybe we need to get offended. Offended that people have no regard for our wellbeing. That they have taught us that we need so many enhancements, so many products and that they have given us images to use as the standard. I know I got offended when I watched The C Word, Pink Ribbon Inc. and OMG GMO. Why would people be after a commercial gain at our expense?
Offended so much so that we ask more questions and take more time to read through the ingredients in our everyday products not to cause fear or panic but just to be aware.
At the end of the day, we are living in a world where information is easy to access and we have no excuse for any ignorance on our part. We have to want to be in the know especially if it is something we are consuming. We cannot leave that entire burden to the corporations.
Our ideas on love We grew up reading novels, watching movies and soap operas from the Western world and we wonder why it has not worked for us. We have been tricked into believing that love is a fairytale where we are to get all that we want and the minute someone challenges that, we want out. We don't care whether there are children involved because love is supposed to always work in our favour.
We don't work on healing our pain but expect others to love the broken parts of us and take us as we are. As if we are not capable of self-improvement.
We are not committed to family. Our idea on the family setup has been tainted and it is our new normal. We are not taking on our responsibilities. We are not being kind to each other. We are always pointing the finger at the next person.
We are without structure. We are not disciplined, we do not value the family unit and we have been led to believe that we can raise children without healthy and responsible mothers and fathers involved.
We have taken single parenting as a badge of honour even though we have to spread ourselves thin to get by and end up hurting the children in the process of carrying out both parental roles. We have joined Western political movements that have pushed us further away from our men. They tell us we are oppressed by our men but still exploit us economically. They say we should hate our men and that they are no good and we wonder why we are living anxious and unprotected lives. We wonder why we view the men in our lives as enemies.
We carelessly say things like "men are trash" "men are dogs" even in front of young people.
There are those who have justified these statements saying that responsible and respectful men should not feel offended by men being called dogs but we know if the men were to do the same to us (because trash human beings exist in both sexes) we would be up in arms and tell them that they are promoting hate.
We are raising children to see the role of a man in the family is optional and this hurts everyone in the home.
The men too have let go of their value in a healthy African family. They have turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms and neglected their parental roles.
We have been tricked to believe that we have to take on the role of protector and provider as women. We have compromised on the need for structure, sense of belonging, guidance and discipline in a family, something only a healthy man can provide.
We have made it clear that a man only deserves respect when he gives us money and uses his money on us and once he doesn't do that, it doesn't matter what else he has to offer, he is of no use to us. He does not deserve access to his children. He does not deserve respect. I am not here to downplay the role a man has to provide and protect his family. We live in times when we need capital to survive and every man knows this. It is time they shared with us what he feels has gone wrong. Only they can tell us what they struggle with.
It is time to involve the man in this family conversation. We have to be open to hearing from them. We have to be willing to look past the symptoms of brokenness (addiction, wastefulness and lack of discipline) and really get to the root of it.
What was their messaging on love? Were they loved as boys? Were they guided on how to become men? Did they have fathers in their homes? We're they raised right? What do they struggle with? Are they willing to work on healing? Are they willing to take on their roles as men in the family? How can we as women support them and make them feel more included?
We have to be open to listening to them. Not to judge them and not to use it against them in future. To take note and make changes.
Are we willing to let them be masculine and take on the role to protect and provide?
Are we willing to expand our definition of provision and not base it solely on monetary contribution?
Are we willing to see where they are coming from and work with them so that our children can experience what it is like to have structure and a sense of pride in where they come from?
You and I hold the answers to that.
Yes, we cannot escape reality. Some of us grew up in families where our mothers had to take on masculine traits (being competitive, protective, controlling roles) to ensure that we were provided for. We may not know what exactly happened between the parents but e may have seen and felt the effect of the family breaking. Our mothers did their best and made sure we never lacked. The sacrifices that they had to make cost them their femininity (calm nature, peace, happiness, softness, charm, nurturing capacities, understanding, intuition) and health. It takes a lot to nurture, provide and protect and we are truly appreciative of how our mothers put aside their needs to make sure we didn't lack. However, we see that there is a better way the family can work so that our mothers can carry out their roles, maintain their health and femininity and our fathers can do their part.
Violence in the home has to stop! People need to part ways if there are signs of violence. We also have to understand that verbal violence is just as bad as physical violence and if adults can't respect each other, then they are better off being apart. I believe the men know what their role is.
I believe that women have intuition and can tell if a man is serious about family. We may have ignored our intuition for long but it is time we tap into it. We cannot make children with people who don't want children. We should not trap them into starting a family with us either. It is all connected. The food we eat, the messaging we receive and the way we treat each other. This is not to say that there are no men that cause us harm. It angers the men who are serious about protecting their women to hear of incidents where women are attacked. The good men in our lives know this. This is why they protect us.
You may not see it on your screens (another agenda) but our men do not stand by and watch us get harmed. It is not something they can live with. We deserve protection from our men and one way we motivate them to protect us is by being respectful to them. It's a fair exchange.
We as women have to understand how valuable our protection is. Again our intuition should be our guide. Just because something is right doesn't mean it is wise. We are living in times where we need to be wise. Our wellbeing depends on it. We need to take an active role in caring for our safety. Are we making sure we are in safe spaces? Are we trained with basic self-defence skills? Do we know who we are spending time with? Are we taking all the necessary precaution? I know most of us are and this is commendable.
We can't change everyone and we can't afford to be emotional about our safety. I know that collectively we can find solutions to make sure our women are protected. This whole generalization of men does us no good. How would we feel if based on a group of women who were violent and abusive, we all get branded as trash? I know it would hurt and we would turn cold towards the men for doing that. Why then would we want them to feel unwanted?
If people constantly told you that you were no good, then you would question why you need to be good. Let's do better.
Reproduction
I mentioned earlier that whether we keep having African children is up to us! Whether we continue as a race is up to us. This means that have to be careful about who we are having our children with. We have to know them. Really know them. What is their relationship with their parents? If it was not healthy, are they getting help to work on it? How much do they value family? What are their values when it comes to health and wellness? Are they mentally and physically well? Are they financially conscious? How do they cope with stress? Are they violent? Do they own up when they are wrong? Are they supportive? What do they think of children? Do they want children? What are their thoughts on disciplining children? Are they confident? What masculine traits do they have? Are they confident? What do they define as feminine? Do they have goals in life and what are they? Where are they with their goals? Are they clean? Are they respectful? Have they been disloyal or disrespectful before? Did they get help with that? Are they spiritual people? What are their thoughts on generational wealth? Are they in debt?
Men too should have things they look out for and some of them are similar to the ones I have listed above. They should also look out to see whether we are out to collaborate or compete with them. Whether we are feminine because a home where there is no feminine energy to balance the masculine energy cannot stand. These conversations should be had in person over a period of time. There is no rush to make babies with people we do not know. I strongly stand on this. Some of these things we will begin to see the more we spend time with them. We have to be okay with what they show us. It should inform us of what to do. Words are good and all but actions speak louder. Results speak louder. We have to shift from this idea that love is just this cosy feeling and that it is blind. Let that be a script for the movies. We're trying to build strong economic structures through the family unit. Not to scare anyone but we are at war. The African family is under attack and we have to protect it by making sound choices. It isn't by accident that we are being turned away from each other and it is time we see how valuable a strong African family is.
Take a look at all other races and how they value family and community. You could be disowned because of who you choose to build a family with. They understand how important generation wealth is and the effects of watering it down. What that does to their culture and legacy. Questions like what music they enjoy listening to, where they want to travel to, what drinks they like and knowing their favourite colour gets us nowhere. We live in tricky times. Where a date is a swipe away and we can now hide behind our screens and take on a personality that doesn't match up to what we are really about. People are getting into relationships without even meeting the people they are in these relationships with.
It might sound funny but it is what we're dealing with. It's easier for men to know our whole lives through social media without even initiating a conversation. They don't need the confidence to approach and hold a conversation with us for them to get to know us and this complicates things.
It creates this false belief that we know people when we really don't. Our social sites are curated. We show only what we feel we need to show so these people know what we want them to know. We often wear masks (false confidence, perfectionism and numbness) and somehow we've believed that it's okay and even cool. We don't want to get hurt but we still crave attention and intimacy. We've worn them for so long we don't even remember who we are and it is sad. Who we make children with is important. Our sanity is hinged on it. Our legacy depends on it. Our life is affected by it. Those around us are affected by it. The people we make children with will always be a part of our lives even if we don't accept them or admit it. Once children are involved, your personal preferences take a back seat. They deserve our best and a strong African family is one great gift we can give them.
I know some of us are on the other side of things and the children are already here. The circumstances may not be as we thought they would. Let's show love to the children regardless. All African children are loved, protected and provided for. If the mother is missing, let's make sure the children access healthy, feminine women so that they don't miss out on that. If the father is not in the picture, let's make sure there are healthy, masculine men as these children grow. Let's expose them to healthy African families. Let's handle what we need to handle with the other parent and not let any misunderstanding or conflict get to the children. There is still a chance for us to make sure these children get all their needs met. Let's make sure we do all we can. I don't know how to wrap this post up but one thing worth repeating is that there is power in our African families. We need to heal all the hurt and pain.
We need to be gentle on ourselves and with each other. We'll get off track sometimes but we can always get back on track.
For those of us who are willing to put in the work, we're all we've got. We have to make it count.
We often talk about generational curses and how we want to be the people that bring change. Here's our chance. Here's our reminder that we have to make sacrifices but the rewards are so fulfiling.
Here's our reminder that we are all we've got.
Here's our reminder that we are powerful.
Here's our reminder to forgive ourselves and to forgive those who hurt us. We are all living and learning.
Here is to taking back our power and using it to build strong. structured, healthy African families.
I know we are capable and I am rooting for everyone playing their role in healing our African families.
Love,
Sabali