This is a word you probably come by easily and on a daily basis. Communicate. Pass information from one person to another. Sounds like an easy thing to do. However, coming from a poor communicator who is a work in progress, this has never been my strong suit.
Communication requires at least two parties; the one with the message and the one receiving the information. Growing up I always felt that my role was to receive information. There wasn’t much room to speak your mind and if you are from an African family, you probably can relate. My inability to own what I felt and speak what I felt made it easier for people to speak for me. People who weren’t me knew what was best for me. While this is not completely false (because what did I know about my best interest at say 6 years old), it rid me of the space and allowance to communicate my needs and to speak my mind which made me feel like I had to go by what everyone else thought was best.
Saying NO
It did not take long for me to adopt outside voices as my own and even to date, I still have to catch myself from allowing other people to make decisions for me. The mode of communication that I adopted was the use of body language. I would bottle things up real good until one trigger sent me to a long cry of frustration and anger. I would sulk, or show disinterest all while doing things that I did not feel I wanted to do. At the end of the day, it needed to get done. I remember seeing how rebellious one of my cousins was because of how boldly she would tell our auntie NO in front of all of us, our parents included and go about her life as if nothing had happened. I remember thinking “must be nice” not the exact words because this I got from the Internet and I love using it… It was probably more of “Heri yeye, ingekua mimi!”
‘NO’ was not an option for me. Honestly, I have just settled into using it. Sometimes, the urge to overcompensate with the use of that two-letter word gets to me. I also have to be present enough not to say NO to the wrong things.
This is one of the areas in communication that I am actively working on. I now say NO more confidently, I don’t always use the exact word but I try to be as direct as I can. I won’t be able to. I can’t do it this week. I have other commitments. Sometimes I explain my NO which is not all bad. While it is argued that a simple NO will suffice, not everyone gets you like that. Unless you had earlier stated your reason clearly and calmly and someone is persistent, then the two-letter word would suffice.
Silent treatment
Communication for me is something that I keep learning to do on a daily. Just this week, I noted that silent treatment is an emotionally abusive thing I do to people I care about and somehow I let myself get away with it because I want to deal with things internally and then communicate it when I am more calm and collected. I have never been the type to lash out, at least not when I am sober. I know how much words that are spoken in anger leave a scar. All this while I normalized shutting people out so I can figure out how best to solve this problem. This also revealed to me that I always feel the need o fix everything by myself and honestly, asking for help is a lot of work. Necessary work but very hard work. Growing up in a single-parent family, I had to learn fast that I had to know how to depend on myself. I would see my mum work tirelessly to provide for me and she also would remind me every now and again (especially when I would fail in school) that she does it all by herself and I was not going to let her efforts be in vain. It wasn’t the easiest thing to hear but who knows whether I would be here awaiting my admission to the bar in a couple of days were it not for that push?
Not knowing what you want
I remember some of the weirdest things! So this one time at a restaurant while we were having lunch with my cousins one Sunday afternoon, I was asked what drink I would have and I said: “ I will have anything”. I remember being told by one of my cousins that they didn’t serve anything at the restaurant. I felt so small. Imagine not knowing what soda to take as a child. Okay, I didn’t really have much soda growing up because I had some respiratory complications and soft drinks were not recommended but here I was, healthier and allowed to have one but so undecided about what I wanted to have. Part of me felt envious of how my other cousins owned their decisions to have Fanta Orange and that they wanted it cold. Another part of me was so used to having things picked out for me, I was afraid of owning what I wanted to have. I still hate having to order meals first and I would rather the people I am with go first. It makes me feel more confident to pick something different and also get some ideas off their choice. Also, I don’t eat out much so huge menus make me super anxious, so it helps that at least one person goes before I make an order.
A family friend of ours recently told me that as a baby I wanted to help children. I don’t even remember saying that. I am still trying to figure out what drove me to want to become a lawyer. Was it something a teacher said that got me on that line of thought? Was it my parents? I remember sitting at our veranda at Nakuru one evening after my KCSE results were out and my mum and dad asking me what I wanted to do and what other options I was open to. I really did not know what else I would be good at and not that I knew anyone in the legal profession who had influenced me to go that path. I just knew that I had to get into law school. Part of me now thinks that I did not want to have a solid route. I felt that what people saw in me or recommended was what was good for me.
Knowing what you want is a process and you really have to be in touch with yourself to figure out what you like. This will mean shutting down a lot of the outside noise you accepted in the past.
Listening to respond
This is another area of communication that I fail at. I am learning that my response is not required most of the time I give it. In disagreements, the urge to listen so as to get ammunition to fire at the person trying to communicate is very tempting. Most of us listen to respond and rarely do we do it to understand. Has the truth ever been so hard to take in that you would rather find fault in something that was said so as to avoid owning up to the truth? Listening is a skill and we all could work a little bit harder at listening so as to strengthen the skill. Most of the times people tell s things that we need to hear and sometimes we are not at the place where we are ready for it. While timing is key (please be gentle and aware of what people are going through before you decide to vent), we have to be open to learning especially when someone is coming from a good place- you will feel it in their voice, see it in how they are looking at you. Your gut will communicate clearly.
If you are listening to respond, you not only end up repeating the same conversation over and over again, but you also are likely to miss the message being communicated. Also, making those mental points on where to poke holes into is exhausting.
Most of the time when I am communicating, it really s just me trying to speak my mind and most of the time, I don’t want someone to respond. I just want them to see where I am coming from and it takes a different level of intuitive listening to know what requires your response and what requires you to just acknowledge that you understand what is being said. As I said earlier, flex that listening muscle more so that you give the appropriate responses.
Speaking up
I do not know how to deal with conflict most of the time. I don’t even like spaces where I feel small and intimidated. Adulting, however, means that you have to strengthen this muscle because hiding in a corner to cry a problem away might not work…sometimes even the corner to hide in is not there. However, if this is how you process things, maybe search for that corner for afterwards.
Growing up means you have to show up for those uncomfortable interactions and deal accordingly. You might not be great at it but knowing your triggers and avoiding them is key. Have at least two things you do to calm you down and remind you of your surroundings before you respond. It might mean thinking about something good you will be doing to calm your nerves that evening say have a tall glass of wine and take one of those hot showers or just remind yourself that you need the conversation to end in a particular way for your own wellbeing and try to use your words to get it going that direction.
Speaking your mind is not the easiest thing to do. Most of the time, we expect people to know as it feels rather obvious to us, sometimes the environment is set-up in a way where your voice will not be seriously considered and sometimes we don’t think that speaking up will get any positive results. Fighting the urge to keep your mouth shut is a lot to do. We could either be fearful of being wrong, being condemned and sometimes even having people disregard your opinion.
My personal struggles when it comes to speaking up is saying “I think” even when I am very sure of the thing that I am about t say next. The second struggle is sometimes, I don’t even know if my input is needed. You know how people ask for your opinion and in your head, you go like “you are not ready to hear what I have to say so I’ll just not respond” I have had so many of those moments. A former employer asked me about something that was happening in the political space and I really felt that saying “I don’t really care for anything political” would not be something that she would want to hear. So I just smiled and got on with my tasks.
I am learning to replace the word think with believe, which doesn’t come easy. Slowly, I will get there. I am also learning that in certain spaces, I have to just speak. It might be a simple sentence but once those words are out and I have gauged the reaction in the room, my gut will let me know whether I need to say more or not.
Look people in the eye
I’m about to put you on to something great that you can use on that auntie who is always rebuking people at the family gatherings…if you have such an aunt in the family and you haven’t tried looking them in the eye while they are talking, then use the next family gathering to try this out.
Most of the time, when someone older than you decided to scold you or talk you down, they use the fact that you are too ashamed to look at them and so they will go off! Now that we are slowly getting to a point where we have acknowledged that failing does not make us failures and now that we are detaching shame from failing, it is time we started looking directly at the people who are talking. Look them dead in the eye and just watch their body language. It will make them uncomfortable and distract them from going off unnecessarily.
There are also times when you will be going about your business and someone just says something totally off. It is either discriminatory or just unnecessary. Next time this happens, turn and look at them. Most of the times when I do it have that ‘WTF did you just say’ look. I really can’t help it and I don’t think I should. You will see the shame in their eyes. Just by looking at them, your message of disagreement has been communicated.
Looking people in the eye is essential to gauge honesty and confidence. It also boosts your confidence. This is coming from a shy girl who now can look people in the eye when she needs answers that words will not express.
I strive to get better at communicating. Some of the ways I communicated were unhealthy and I used them to cope but now as I grow up I know that sitting with my problems will not get them solved. Holding grudges does me no good. Holding in my great ideas does not benefit anyone. I have to take responsibility for my own healing and this is part of the change I want.
I am learning that communicating healthily is helping me get into the right circles and I am not only expressing myself but receiving positive influence.
It also helps to have kind people who help point out your unhealthy communication patterns and help you work through it. It might feel easier to decide not to do better and go by the 'accept me as I am' line but ask yourself whether you would be as willing to accept the same toxic trait if you were on the receiving end.
It’s painful to change especially if you felt that communicating the way you do protects you from being vulnerable but learning is never easy. Put in the work but also be kind to yourself as this is not something you wake up and change for good.
I wish you all the best in getting better at communicating and healing.
Love,
Sabali
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