Count yourself lucky if death and grief were ever explained to you. For most of us, we learn about it when it finally hits home. Even now as I try to understand grief and how it looks like on me, I still wish someone older, wiser and experienced could just sit me down and explain it to me. With the huge generational gap in our African society, we are left to Google the stages of grief and somehow try and relate them to the emotions we go through.
My journey with grief has been interesting. I avoided it for a whole year(well I tried )because my attention was needed in school and to some extent books and just school generally offered a good distraction. The first week of every month was difficult for me. This is when I lost Ngure. I would remind myself that I was going through another month with him gone. To some extent, I am grateful that I had school to occupy me because if I was idle, I do not know if I would have made it through my final year of law school.
2018 is when I felt the gap. It was huge
I was working but the pressure from school and work is different (any lawyer can attest to this). With no quiz to study for and no case law to cram, I had time to think through a lot and get in touch with my emotions. I realized that I had lost my friends and that withdrawing was my way of coping.
I got to feel my feels in 2018.
Sometimes, something so small would take me back to missing Ngure and I would find myself fighting back tears on my ride home from work.
I have had to learn so much as I grieve and some of these lessons I wish I knew earlier and for some, I have to be intentional about following through in order to be the best version of myself.
1. LIFE IS SHORT
Damn! I used to see this posted on social media but it never made more sense as it did in 2017. I wonder how I let myself get away with doing things halfway, loving people halfway and not exploring all that I could.
Grief has taught me that I simply do not have time.
I do not have time to be in spaces that I am not comfortable in, I do not have time for people who are not going to grow me, I do not have time to wait for good things to happen to me and I simply do not have time to please people at my expense (which is usually the case).
I have had to question the value of my time and energy in different spaces, I have had to question my own thought process and become accountable to myself for the things that I tell myself. Bearing this in mind has helped me value myself and my time.
Realizing the limited time I have here has helped me find my voice, which I had lost touch with because I let so many outside voices determine what I could or could not do. Finding my voice has helped me curate my circle because now, I am comfortable with letting people know my stand and I am less fearful about speaking my mind (this is huge for me as I was that girl who had all her decisions made by those around her).
With regard to time, the greatest lesson I have had to learn is that there is no time like the present. I have learnt that I need to be present for everything however hard things get. I am constantly learning how best to show up for myself and find a balance between planning my future and being in the now.
2. DON'T BE SO HARD ON YOURSELF
There is simply no manual for grief and this is why it looks different on all of us. Some will withdraw while others become more aware and in touch with their surroundings.
We live in a society where we are expected to grieve for a specific amount of time and after that, we are to forge forward as if nothing happened. We are made to feel vulnerable and weak for mourning.
In 2017, I had to put on a brave face for most of my interactions and this worked until it did not. I had to deal with being afraid to pick calls from family and friends because any one of these calls could be to break more bad news to me that yet another person I loved had gone (I still do not think I ever will be ready to have my heart broken that way again). I had to talk myself into getting into a car for months especially in 2017, I am still paranoid about travelling long distance by car.
I withdrew from a lot of people and in some way, I did not have the same level of tolerance for people. This made me lose the small number of friends I had. I remember being angry that none of them was there physically to support me as I laid my brother to rest, but then again that must have been misplaced anger because all I could muster up that week was to do a post on Facebook to inform my friends and relatives. Looking back, I do not know where I would be without the support I got from my parents and relatives. I am so glad I got over that phase of anger and I am now at a point where I realize that it was okay for me to feel bad at the time but I have no business carrying that load moving forward.
I have learnt that I cannot be hard on myself.
I have had to go through so much the past couple of months and the fact that I am here, the fact that I can genuinely laugh and smile from time to time is huge for me. I now know that it is okay for me to feel my feels. I am okay with not being okay sometimes as healing comes in waves. I can now comfortably withdraw from people (without feeling guilty for choosing myself) when I feel depleted and I now know the importance of me being okay with grieving, however uncomfortable it may be for me.
3. GRIEF CHANGES YOU
A lot has changed for me since 2017. My taste in music has changed (all my playlist are filled with conscious jams that inspire and comfort me), my relationship with food has changed (I am making more conscious food choices), my choice of friends has changed and even the things I watch show me of how far I have come.
I now value my support system more. I value my mental health more and I am consistently and intentionally giving priority to myself.
I have learnt how to be strong for myself. I have come to learn that I am worthy of love, life, health, positive criticism, peace and growth.
I like to believe that I did not lose Ngure. How can you lose someone who made you feel special and loved? I believe that in some way he is present in my life. I feel it in the way things are aligning for me and even when I feel lonely and lost in thought, I somehow get clarity and I can focus on what really counts.
Grief has and continues to teach me so much about myself and others. It is a painful experience but a part of life and we all will in one way or another have to push through such dark times. While it is a bumpy road, I speak healing to all those who need it and may we be strong enough to remember how those who left made us feel.
Rest in peace Ngure.
To healing and comfort!
Love,
Sabali
