This one is for my fellow ladies. You and I have both been a situation where we knew better but did not do better. You might currently be in such a space where you are in a situationship that you know is not good for you. It might be that you are trying to fix this man, that you are letting the two positive attributes he has, cloud you from reality. I would be lying if I said that I could not relate because I for a long time did not know any better. Here is to growth and making great decisions as we grow!
One of the important lessons I learnt on intention is that men are not complicated creatures. They are very easy to read honestly. Hear me out before you stop reading from this point. Men are not complicated in the sense that their actions communicate their intentions. A man will show you exactly how he thinks of you and what he wants from you through his actions and it is up to you to decide whether you are willing to get into a relationship with him or not. This is to say that we do not have to question a man’s intention with us because how he acts will be enough proof.
Most of us have never seen or been a part of a healthy relationship. This makes it so hard for us to decolonize our minds and learn how healthy relationships feel. Some of us grew up taking in a lot of negativity from the adults in our lives and now anything that isn’t as bad as what we saw growing up is something we can settle for.
Intention comes with knowing what you want, being honest and communicating. I’ll explain.
a. Knowing what you want
This applies everywhere; you only get what you decide on getting. If you are out to just go with the wave on relationships, then you are in for a ride! Don’t expect to invest your emotion and time into something that you are not clear on. Knowing what you want not only gives you clarity on what you can and cannot settle for but it also helps you communicate your wants and needs which is so important.
b. Honesty
You need to be honest with yourself. What are you after? Is it short term or long term? Most of us are dishonest with ourselves because we skip the first step of questioning ourselves on what we want and before we know it we are knee-deep in a situation that is hard to get out of and we just lie to ourselves that we will be okay as we torture ourselves.
Honesty to oneself helps you protect yourself because you can now communicate easily what your wants and needs are. Being honest with your partner is equally important, whether or not it is a temporary or permanent situation. It will help you know whether you are on the same page and save you a lot of time and energy Sis!
c. Communication
I am usually surprised people think that communication is something that should only happen when you are in a serious relationship. We are human beings and having a connection with someone in whatever capacity means that you owe them humanity. Toxic situationships will have you feeling that asking for a conversation is such a big deal. Value communication. If someone wants to be a part of your life, let it be known from the start that you value and deserve open communication. We are going into 2019 in a couple of hours and if he cannot communicate at his big age, then he is not the one you should be dealing with. This whole ghosting BS needs to end. How some men think it is okay to do this is beyond me!
You deserve honesty and communications so do not settle for less.
Sign 1: He is constantly seeking you out
There has been much debate on who should do the seeking and I am still a strong believer that the man should seek you out. We are raised in a society where we as women are constantly trying to prove our worth in society and taking the lead in so many spaces which is such a great thing and I am in awe of all those women changing the patriarchal system. When it comes to being pursued, however, we have to allow ourselves to be the prize. We cannot be the ones chasing after men. Most of the men who are chased after by women know this and will make you jump through hoops for months and even years if they really have you under their control. Now if this is you, save yourself that heartache (because it is coming) and GET OUT!
A man who wants you, who really values you, will seek you out. He will make sure his presence is felt and he will show his support. He will visit you, talk to you, call you, text you, take you out and show genuine intention. You will see it all in the way he acts and treats you.
I mentioned texts earlier and I think this is something I need to clarify. I used to love texting. However, I have found out that so much is lost through texts from emotion to authenticity. People are able to lie that they are okay through texts and I think it is an odd way to get to know someone. There are just some things you cannot communicate through text. Phone calls are the next best thing after meeting in person. A quick case scenario here: you cannot tell someone is attentive over text because they simply have to refer to your previous text to respond. You can note that someone is really interested in you and what you are saying when you are on a call. this is second to face to face conversations.
Meeting in person is an obvious winner because you can easily read his body language as well as see how he interacts with other people.
Sign 2: You feel protected emotionally, physically and mentally around him
Vibes do not lie! If he does not make you feel safe physically, then why are you there in the first place. Men are there to protect us and this should be your cue to leave. Taking care of your physical wellbeing could look like him making sure you get home safe, making sure that you are not in harm’s way, him helping you fix things around your place and him making sure that you are never in unsafe spaces.
Emotional protection is so important. Imagine not having to question someone’s intention with you because he is constantly assuring you through both words and action that he is fully committed to you. Imagine thinking about advancing your career and being the best version of yourself and not having to waste time checking to see if he is still in the relationship or wants out. Emotional protection gives you peace of mind and only a man who wants to stay will offer you this.
Mental protection is key. This man will not let you be in the dark about his whereabouts or what he is doing. He wants you to know how you can reach him in case of anything. He communicates how he feels and lets you be vulnerable without feeling exposed.
Sign 3: He includes you
Ever found yourself in a situation where you have to fix yourself into someone’s life and plans? It is such a painful thing to go through. I remember doing a lot of this in the past when I was young and did not fully value myself. I used to wonder how someone I wanted to spend time with never thought to include me in his plans. Looking back, I now note that I wanted to be accepted where I was not wanted and I am glad I now know and experience better.
A man who wants to be there for you will make sure to include you in his plans. He will make sure that you know his friends and his siblings (I did not say parents because we are African). He will find things that you would both enjoy doing when you are together as opposed to someone who only reaches out to you when it is convenient for him.
To intentional relationships, open communication and honesty.
Love,
Sabali.
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