“We love to see raw truth and experiences in other people but are afraid to let them see it in is. We are afraid that our truth isn’t enough.”
When other people tell their stories we get inspired to work harder and do better. Why then is it hard for us to be vulnerable? Why do you hear people say something strongly that they do not do vulnerability? Why do we view it as a weakness when we feel it but somehow get inspired when other people share their raw truth?
Vulnerability is the feeling of being uncertain and exposed and for a long time, it has been viewed as a sign of weakness and being exposed to pain and shame. As children, we found ways to cope with vulnerability because we feared pain, judgement and shame. We acted a certain way to show that we were unfazed but in certain moments our vulnerability showed. We cried and asked for help.
In adulthood, somehow we are expected to be immune to feeling. We avoid being vulnerable and we feel that we should always have control over what is happening now and even the future. We are told those who are vulnerable become victims and so we fight hard not to be part of that statistic.
This control we seem to have to have brings nothing but anxiety and anger. However much we want to control the future and want joy to last forever, we know it is beyond us and no planning could actually prepare us for the hard times...so of what use is it to want to have all this control if not fear and shame?
The truth of the matter is that vulnerability is a part of life. There is no avoiding or denying it. What we can change is how we respond to it. If we try and avoid it, it shows up in us being controlling, angry and being judgmental. How we react will be something we need to be careful to practice at all times because as we mentioned earlier, we have been wearing masks all through our lives.
Think of love for example...it is a very vulnerable feeling to have. You love someone but there is no guarantee they will be there tomorrow. You have no control over them changing their minds about you tomorrow. So much is uncertain. Now look at the bright side, love gives us a sense of security and belonging, it gives us hope and so much joy. The right type of love will allow you to even feel vulnerable without judgement. So you see avoiding vulnerability would mean never opening yourself up to love and companionship.
To evaluate how vulnerability looks like for you and what instances it shows up is a great way to control how you respond to vulnerability. It also lets you know when you feel the need to put up shields to protect yourself.
Evaluation
When do you feel vulnerable?
If you do not have a list then start today. When do you usually feel like you have to pretend to be something you are not or mask your feelings so that you do not get hurt? Write these as they happen whether on paper or on your notes app on your phone and take note of when the feeling comes.
Is it when you are asking for help? Is it when you are receiving help? Is it when you are trying to make romantic connections? Is it when we are in love? Is it when you are asking forgiveness? Is it when we are sharing our story? Is it when we are sharing our craft? Is it when starting a job?
Noting when you feel vulnerable and also the feeling that accompanies it is important so that you know what exactly you are dealing with. So let’s use asking for help because this is an area I have experiences vulnerability a lot. Asking for help makes me feel terrified. In my mind, I believe that I should have everything under control. I do not know whether the person I am asking for help from will be condescending or even reject my plea for help. There is a lot that I am not in control of when I am asking for help. So to hide this vulnerability, I struggle with my problem, end up beating myself up and wasting time and in the end, I have to ask anyway. So now that I know that this is just fear from my end and that I will eventually have to ask for help when I am stuck, I respond to that vulnerability by asking immediately and save myself time and energy. I tell myself that if I will receive the help under conditions that I feel will bring me shame, then it might be something that the one helping me needs to deal with because I am not expected to be perfect and know everything. The point here is that I now allow myself to be vulnerable and got rid of the need to always be in control.
Let us look into some of the three shields we use to hide our vulnerability. I got these from the book ‘Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent and lead’ by Brené Brown
Shields to being vulnerable
A. foreboding joy
Earlier, we talked about having to wear masks so as not to feel vulnerable. We run from vulnerability because to us feeling= failing and emotions for us are liabilities.
One of the ways we run from vulnerability is foreboding joy. This means that we are constantly waiting for something bad to happen especially when good things are happening. We don’t want to enjoy joy too much because we don’t know how long it will last so what we focus on is the bad that could happen (scarcity).
I know this feeling too well. Sometimes I feel that if I am not too deep in being joyful, the pain when joy comes to an end won’t be as bad. What I have learned is that even in trying to make the transition from joy to pain easier by not being in the moment, it doesn’t help when the bad times come. Nothing prepares us for loss of any kind. We lose loved ones through breakups and death and there is no timeline or manual on how to heal from that. By foreboding joy, we end up feeling shame and regret because while we would have been enjoying their company and being present we decided to focus on whether or not the joy would last and how we would protect our hearts from future pain.
The other day, I got a call from a hiring company and they asked me a few questions regarding an application I had made. I was excited and called my favourite people immediately after. But a few minutes into feeling happy that I was being considered, I remembered that this was not the first interview I had had and the last one did not go as planned. I decided not to be excited and instead postpone it for when I got the job because I was unsure about getting it. The feelings that came after that were anxiety, anger and even disconnection. I didn’t want to talk about it anymore because I would get my hopes up for nothing. Looking back to those two days I wasted being anxious and angry, I made a decision to postpone joy for when I got the job. I chose to overlook the fact that I had been considered for a job and that the recruiters actually gave me a call. I missed out on an opportunity to be grateful and hopeful because was preparing myself for the worst.
We have all had similar experiences where when good things are happening we think that something bad is about to happen. We fear things will not last and we always operate under the mentality of scarcity. I feel that we also fear that the transition from joy to disappointment will be difficult so we would rather play safe.
Looking back, I wish I enjoyed that moment more. Not because I finally got the call back (I’m still hopeful that my call will come) but because that was a sign that I am worthy of opportunities. That call was a sign that more good things are going my way.
I know it is hard especially if you are in a dark place. It is hard being present for joyous moments because there’s so much darkness around us. How are we even supposed to see joy and light?
It takes work. Work that we both have to be willing to put in. You and I. We do not know when we will smile next or share laughs next...so how about now?
I am reminded of how when we hear from people who are grieving, they often say they wish for one last laugh, smile with their loved ones... Very simple ordinary things. It is these simple things that we need to appreciate no matter what we are going through because at the end of the day, trials don’t end, tomorrow we will be dealing with something different...so we are doing ourselves a favour by gifting ourselves with joy while we still can enjoy it.
B. Perfectionism
This shield makes us feel safer from judgement and shame because we are doing everything that is required of us. It protects us from being used as an example of failure. I am honestly yet to hear of a successful person who says their perfectionism got them to where they are today. The need to be perfect pushes away from so much including peace of mind.
The problem with us striving for perfection is that it is not for our own personal growth and development as human beings but it is always to meet the expectations of others. We want to please our parents, employees and loved ones even when it means stunting our growth and causing pain to ourselves.
This is so common especially when we look at the whole reward-punishment system. As children, we are taught that when we do ‘good’ we are to be rewarded and when we do ‘bad’ we are punished. It stifles our creativity because our focus is on doing good so that we are rewarded. Punishment brings fear, shame and failure. This means that we have learnt early that perfection will get us accepted and deep down most of us want to be accepted.
What we did not learn is that Perfectionism is living in shame. You cannot afford to make a mistake. You are always living in fear. What if I fail? What will people think? What if I am not the best?
Perfectionism generally makes us very dull and anxious people. It makes us sad because we are always trying to come off as perfect and being put together all the time. As it is not achievable, we end up feeling empty and ashamed whenever we slip up from our idea of perfect.
If this is a shield you use then you have to be very aware that you are human because you have taken over a super-human role that does not serve you. You also need to let the people around you know not to expect perfection from you. Be compassionate to yourself. You are human and you will make mistakes. The key is to learn from these mistakes and make better choices in the future.
You also have to remind yourself that you are worthy. Even with all your flaws, even when you are angry, anxious, afraid or feeling shame... You are still worthy of another chance. This goes hand in hand with being kinder to yourself. Sometimes you will slip into this space where you feel you are only worthy when you are perfect but being kind to yourself will remind you that you are human and since you have done your best you are still worthy.
C. Numbing
Sometimes we want to numb our feelings of fear and anxiety and we turn to work, food, alcohol, drugs, sex, obsessing over sports and overindulging in TV shows. We hope to stay occupied enough in hopes that these things will go away without us dealing with them.
We turn to numbing as a shield from the feeling of scarcity. Somehow we do not have enough time, enough resources. This overwhelm drives us to try and cope in unhealthy ways.
Somehow in a world where we are connected by the press of a button, we feel lonely and disconnected. The connections we make on these spaces where we spend most of our time do not fulfil us fully and most of us make it the place where we get validation. Social media sometimes does not give us the feeling of being seen, heard and valued. We end up doing a lot to be involved in everything and draw attention to ourselves. When this doesn’t work in feeling that void we have because we feel scared of isolation, we indulge in numbing to escape our feelings.
If this is you, then you are not alone.
Here’s how to get out of using this shield to hide from dealing with your vulnerability:
1. Being mindful
Catch yourself slipping into these unhealthy coping mechanisms you have in place. Find something to substitute that time you would have spent indulging in a numbing experience with something that grows you. Find a book you could read, get out of the house (if this is where you find access to unhealthy foods), listen to podcasts, watch something educational, paint, write a song, journal, spend time with family and friends (the list is endless). Find something or someone who will get you out of that space.
2. Allow yourself to feel
Feel these hard feelings. It is human to feel anxious. It is okay to be scared. Stop wishing them away. If the connections you are making do not make you feel seen, then allow yourself to feel that but also stay open for meaningful connections because they do exist. If anxiety is what you feel and you think that there is not enough time, then find something to do that will make the little time you think you have count. At the end of the day, you will find that doing that one creative thing made you not feel so bad about not having enough time. If you feel shame, it is okay. Most of us are exposed to shame in most of our interactions at work and at home. It is okay to feel discouraged by it but be compassionate enough to remember that you are worthy of love and of making meaningful connections.
My anxiety is something I am working on constantly and sometimes I fall into numbing the pain caused. I recently read a book on personality types and found out that I am an obliger (I will do a future post on the various types) and what this means is that external expectations are valuable to me and that I need outside accountability to help me work on the things that are beneficial to my well being. The book helped me view my tendency not as a weakness but as a sign that I need to be more aware of my ways and also find people even professionals such as therapists to keep me accountable. Since I am yet to get therapy money (universe I know you see this), I have invested in people to help me meet my goals and balance my needs over the needs of those around me. I am so blessed that I have a support system that helps me get out of dark spaces.
Find out what works for you so that you feel these feelings but you make a shift to the light and don’t stay in the dark too long.
3. Set boundaries
You know the effects of overindulging and as tempting as it is, we know it is dangerous for us. It blocks us from reality and ruins our health (physically, emotionally and mentally). We need to know when it is enough. When we have escaped reality enough and need to face everything we are feeling. We cannot always be taking the edge off. We are not doing ourselves any favours.
What is enough when it comes to going out for drinks with a few friends? If three beers are enough then you know that once you are hitting the sixth one, then is something going on that you have not dealt with. When you find yourself stuffing food into your mouth way after you were satisfied and that you are not even after the taste anymore, then you know that it is time for you to figure out what void you are hoping the food will fill and deal with it the healthy way.
Setting boundaries also means that we have to be okay with us feeling things and not let ourselves be carried away with shame. We all feel disconnected especially when we are going through individual challenges but setting boundaries means we do not drown in these problems. It means knowing when to come up for air, knowing when it is time to talk to a friend or seek professional help.
Vulnerability is a part of our story and there is no need to run away from it. Let’s face it, we do not know anything for certain. The only thing we have is the present and if we are too concerned about fixing everything, including our past, we are intensifying our vulnerability and we are missing out on enjoying the gift of now. We just need to get better at dealing with it.
I hope that this post sheds some light on positively responding to vulnerability.
Love, Sabali